A simply draining weekend...

Hm. I just don't understand sometimes why it's me.
*Note* The "new romantic interest" will here in be referred to as "NRI, her, or she"

So (I thought) we worked through the earlier mentioned issues and were moving forward. Happy flirting Thursday, happy flirting Friday. Maybe date on Saturday. Wake up Saturday morning to a "good morning" txt from her and find out she's in the hospital. She's pretty sick, generally (I knew this beforehand, no biggie for me.) So the day goes by and it gets really bad, I'm praying and providing support to her fam, and checking on her via txt all day (no we still havent physically met, mainly due to her sickness...). She gets better Saturday night and is back home. Now let me just say, "sick" and "really sick" doesn't quite do it any justice - I was really preparing myself for the worst. And "gets better" doesn't really pin it either... but that kind of a personal thing and I'm not trying to go there in my blog. So because of all this text message interaction with her cousin (who I am SO thankful to for keeping me updated throughout the day), her mom gets to thinking I'm her boyfriend, for real-for real. Given the way things were going, I wouldn't have said she was too far off. So, her mom invites me to dinner the next day (Sunday, today). (If you've been following along you know that we haven't been out on a date, and that's what stopped me from meeting the fam last week) But her mother invited me, and given that I really thought I was going to lose this girl, I was all in for it. In fact, I was going to go see her whether we were going to dinner or not, just to be with her for a bit, and because I thought she wanted to see me.
On a sidenote - You may say the comment about losing her sounds a little... "attached," for lack of a better word. She's a great friend, a great person, and I care about her, and I love her as I love all my friends. Anything we develop beyond that just makes her that much more important.
So talk to her a bit Saturday night when she gets back home, everything's cool. To bed.

Sunday up to her "good morning" txt again. We talk for a bit, and the conversation eventually gets to me seeing her. I reminded her that I was coming over for dinner, because her and her mother invited me - she informs me that it was not her idea, and she didn't feel like having company.
... ... ... ??? ...
Then on top of that, even though I was really polite with my response, she stops talking to me all day, for the most part. Really short exchanges. Okay, now yes, she's very sick, just got out of the hospital, I understand that. I understand it all. But still... that hurts. Especially when the few days before we're all into each other, working things out, planning a day trip together to get away from it all, everything was going smooth. I was nothing but nice, and in my opinion more than any NRI could ask for, especially Saturday. So when it just flips on you like that... it hurts.

But more than, it makes you think... well, it makes me think... like crazy. The sickness doesn't bother me, honestly. It's the talking, not talking, love you, don't want to see you, stay up and talk to me, dont feel like talking to anyone (except on myspace)... all that drives me crazy. I try to chalk it up to sickness, meds, but sometimes I'm just not sure. And I find myself getting built up, only to be disappointed, and then asking what I got myself into. If I stop it here, now, and say I don't want the pressure of trying to develop a bf/gf thing with you - she'll chalk it up to me not caring about her and her sickness and that's it. Deleted off mySpace, phone # erased, over. And thats not what I want. I don't really know that I want to stop here. What I don't want is to break up - like no more friends no nothing. Like I said, she's a good friend, and I care about her. So I wanna be there for her - NRI or not. But I'm just not sure if having her as an NRI is the best thing for either of us. And i don't know how to tell her that either. I'm just torn right now, waiting for her next emotional high.

So yeah, its been a pretty tough weekend for M. And that's just the emotional stuff. Let's not talk about how PayPal was screwing around in my bank account, editing, meetings, sheer boredom and loneliness, and some faint, mysterious but slightly familiar pain in the left of my chest. And on top of that, my entire female supportive constituency was indisposed so I have no one to talk to about this...
Wait... correction. That brings up another good point. There was someone who was there to listen to me for a bit. And you'll never guess who it was... the Former. Yep. I talked to her about it and she comforted me and helped me settle my mind with some things. I don't know what it is, but her voice is so soothing to me, and she always knows the right thing to say. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but the more I talk to her, the more I'm reminded of how great a friend she really was (vice versa for her too, I'm sure). It might not be too long before she becomes a formal Lady of the Court, instead of the Former. That's a nice thought, we'll ride out on that.

I'm going to bed. I want to create a list of all the sad songs that I've been listening to that make up the soundtrack to this movie that is my life, but I'm freakin tired.

My prayers are with her and her family.

Oyasumi,
M.